While I'm Waiting
It's hard to feel like you're on the cusp of something, just shy of having arrived, and stuck there. You're so very close to where you want to be, and yet you're not quite there yet. You can see it, but your fingers keep coming up a just a little short of reaching it. This is how I've felt when trying to figure out what I want to invest my life in. I have vague dreams for the future, but nothing concrete, and lately have found myself wondering whether even these ethereal ideas are the same as they were even six months ago.
I'm indecisive by nature, and I hate change. I began to be restless when reading about living a life of purpose a while back, and I started dreaming about what my skills and talents might be put to use for-- how I might be able to use the gifts God has given me to serve Him and further His kingdom.
Some days, I feel good about where I am, knowing that without an idea of where I want to go or what I want to do from here, I should make the most of my current situation, trusting that I am here for a reason. I focus those days on trying to be fully present and invested in the now-- the people I currently work with, recreate with, celebrate with, communicate with, and otherwise interact with. I strive to be a light in my everyday life, hoping to be faithful in everything I do.
But there are days when I feel dissatisfied, convinced that I was made for more. I don't know yet what more looks like. I am beginning to recognize what kinds of gifts I have been given, but I have yet to find opportunities to use them in anything resembling a career path or vocation. These days, I pray for a clearer vision for my life, knowing that if I try to manufacture opportunities on my own, they will fall flat; I need to wait on the Lord and His strength.
There might never be a day when I feel like I have finally arrived, finally become everything I've always wanted to become. But what would I then have to strive for, to aim for? What would that even look like? I don't think I will ever get there, and that's a good thing. I can always grow in one area or another (or ten), and having a little voice of dissatisfaction at times is what prompts me to change when I might otherwise grow complacent.
I may not know where I'm headed, but that uncertainty keeps me grounded. It reminds me that I can't do this alone. While so many things about the future are up in the air, I know the process of trusting God and following Him one step at a time is growing my character, and at the end of the day, that is far more valuable than attaining any of my own goals.
[I]t is a comforting reminder that no matter what happens to me, no matter what I lose or what I gain, what I have left at the end of the day is the person I am becoming. Change is not easy. It is slow and steady and arduous and painful most of the time, but real change—inside change—is lasting. - Allison Fallon
I know that the in between time of life is a time of character development. The Lord is working in my heart and in my life, forming me into a woman after His own heart, preparing me for what lies ahead. If I were to receive what He has in store for me now, I likely wouldn't be ready to take it. As much as I can be incredibly impatient with God's timing, I'm learning that He truly knows best. He created me, knows my heart most intimately, and has a great plan for my part in His kingdom. My job is to be patient in the meantime, faithful in the "little" things, and to keep my eyes open for ways He is working even know.